life is hard...

First of all, thanks for reading this blog! I really appreciate it. I apologize that my blogs are not(for the most part) personal updates, but they are things that I think about daily and love to talk about and chances are pretty good that if you converse with me, you will hear parts or all of these thoughts, incomplete as they are. In that way you know me better than you thought, and I get the chance to reveal to you the essence of who I am, how I think and react to the world and God, without ever having to let you buy me coffee. That being said, here's what I think:

I had a conversation with my Aunt Shannon several months ago about life and she said something to me that stuck with me, though, I didn't feel the impact of it right away. She said "life is hard, and it's hard to keep on going, and be true to yourself and to God." Life is hard: If you live in an impoverished country then you struggle to find food and rest and life is hard. If you are born with deformities or anything that hinders your "normalcy," life is hard. If you are blinded by a false sense of security and allow yourself to sleep walk through life unaffected, life is hard. If you listen to the steady quiet voice of God and choose to follow Him, life is still hard. "and it doesn't get easier" she said. My uncle always says "life is hard, and if your stupid, it's really hard." Jesus told us we will suffer, and that sounds hard. Michael from the office says "I'm out of answers, I'm just a guy on a train with no answers, I hope that's a good enough answer for you." And he says that because life was hard. I think I will make a list of things that are hard for me. 44 in all, but who's counting?

Losing a game of skipbo is hard

Missing a dear friend is really really hard

Not knowing what to do next is hard

Writing about life being hard is hard

Not having your sister close 

waking up before 6am

simple addition

doing things the hard way

and making lists, so I'm going to stop short and give Bo the victory for lengthiest (but very good still) list.

Trusting that God wants to prosper us and not harm us is so difficult! But He is good, and I have learned to trust him. The thing that I struggle with most is trusting myself. Trusting that I heard God correctly, or sometimes even at all, and that I am following through with what he asks of me. If I'm being honest, I don't think I have ever been absolutely positive that what I was hearing was God when I heard it. Here is how it usually goes down... I ask a question in my head, then shake it vigorously and an answer like "it is not likely" or "better luck next time" echoes in my ears. Obviously I'm joking to some extent, but sometimes that's how I feel I get my answers. 

So, how exactly can you tell that what you decided to do was God. For instance, say I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life recently. I gave myself time to pray, and then acted, and I feel horrible! really really horrible. What is that? Why does something that I thought was right make me want to fall to my knee's in tears and pray that God give me strength to endure? Of course this is a hypothetical situation because clearly nothing would make me want to cry that much... Anyway, if it were the case, is the prerequisite for reliance on God being absolutely miserable for a time? Maybe not absolutely miserable, but deeply saddened. Or better yet, why would one allow their heart to be infiltrated by another, when it is perfectly happy with the presence of God? It's like a titer-toter with God on one side and someone who means a lot to you on the other and you allow them to weigh more for a bit, but with each cycle of the lever, God comes down heavier and heavier. I wouldn't want to be on the other side of God in that situation, but in some ways maybe I have been. And then there is that person that sits on the titer-toter and it elevates God to his rightful place in your life and makes you go running after Him even more than you ever have. I guess lot's of people can do that for us, friends, family, husbands/wives, children, pastors, pastors' children, teachers, heroes... the list goes on but I think a lot of people have that number one person that really inspires them, you know? I could be wrong, I admit I don't know a whole lot. I've watched my parents ,though. I see that my Mom loves my Dad a whole lot, so much in fact, that she is willing to do almost anything for him, and he would do anything for her and is a great example of a husband who loves his wife to me. So naturally I assume that it is that way, without being absolutely positive. 

What I do know for sure, is that God is worth seeking after with your whole heart and sometimes that means going headlong into life completely blind to what is in store, or making a decision that you think is right, and if it's not, God will let you know I'm sure. For now I am thankful for time well spent, for time afforded me and for time that He has not yet revealed. 

Thank you for reading!

Branden