It's back!

Finally the feeling, that, without doubt but sometimes much delay, is back. That, being the feeling of: I need to tell you some more stuff (or crap as per my last entry, but this one is a little more withheld). I don't know where it is going, but It starts with this:

The feeling that you are going to explode with anger if you don't do something really immature immediately, which you will regret soon after. If you've ever attempted a puzzle with your grandparents (whom we all love), you absolutely know what I mean. And I'm not talking the nice ten piece puzzles of beauty and the beast, oh no... we're talking the eighteen million piece picture of a blue lake reflecting a very blue sky and one little duck in the middle and a white cloud if you're lucky. It's funny, really, that such a peaceful, serene picture can make a person so angry. More times than I can count I've had to leave the puzzle table in search of Nanny's soothing chocolate chip cookies, that will divert my need to punch a wall or hit my face on a slab of concrete, ok, maybe not that one. 

Usually, I don't know why I feel such an uneasy feeling (unless I'm involved in the puzzle from above). If you asked me, "hey Branden, what's wrong?" I would say, "I don't know, I just feel off today" and then I would spend the next ten or fifteen... hours of the day trying to put my finger on why I feel so weird. Maybe you haven't done this, but if you have, then you know that feeling that just won't leave you alone and for some -or- no reason, refuses to let you be happy. 

The reason I am so glad to write to you now (if you heard Corey's message you already know) is that you can choose to make your soul be at peace. I'm so excited about this, and now I realize why I am such an avid nature lover. Because, when I go into the vast wild that God has created my priorities are set straight; I have a healthy fear of God and his creation, I understand that I am very small and He is enormous, and I understand that I am part of this awesome creation. Suddenly, I am at peace. Corey Talked about being like Jesus, and how, out of all the things He did and all of the unconditional love He poured out, being at peace is really one of the more simple Jesusisms we can imitate. Yes, I made up a word in that last sentence. Anyway, That's actually all I have to say.  So take a walk, or go on a drive, or even hide in your closet and do a Lion King puzzle, no, don't do the puzzle part actually, but find God in the quiet. Let's be a people of peace and stillness and faith, hearing every beautiful word that God wispers to us. What an awesome God! What an awesome opportunity to be with our maker!

Corey, if you read this, thanks for that message!

Sincerely,

Branden

Why not?

So, I'm sitting in Backporch coffee (i'm sure none of you have heard of it)... and I thought about how much I not only want to, but need to tell you some crap in order to maintain sanity. It's the feeling of, I'm going to burst at the seems if I don't at least write this down and think it through. I have decided now is a good time to tell you what is on my mind.

~Ok, so think about this for a second, How much time do you spend trying to prove to people you're the person you think you should be?

In other words, how honest are you in portraying yourself to other people? We want people to see the best of us. I've never met someone and thought to myself "hmm, I'm really going to give this person my worst. I am going to shake their hand and then spit on their shoe...that'll teach them to think I'm a good person." However, I have devised equally devious plans to help show people that I am,    such a good person! 

Honestly, I feel horrible admitting that I deceive people daily, but what it comes down to is there is only one being that is not at all deceived, and so, when everyone else finds out what a jerk you are, sorry, I am, only he will still be standing next to you/me. My inadequacies lead me to absolute reliance on God, and that is why I have to tell you I'm a liar. I don't want to be pretentious anymore, if you see good in me let it be God's goodness shining through, for surely I do not posses the talent of pure goodness all on my own. 

The problem is that this world is so darn competitive that we allow no room for inadequacy, and thus, no room for God. No wonder God breaks us down before he lifts us up. From a very early age you and I are pinned against each other to be the smartest, strongest, fastest, coolest and anything short of that is not ok, it's failure, lazy, and dreamless. Naturally we learn to deal with these unrealistic expectations by lying to ourselves and others to make it seem as though we are not letting society down. And God has that to work with... 

Pretty soon, you are listening to your friend tell you, "I'm sorry, I was just being who I thought you wanted me to be." and in that horrible moment you realize that the person you knew doesn't exist, and that it's because you expected, or at least seemed to expect too much from them. 

So if I have lied to you I am sorry, and if you have lied to me then I blame myself, and would rather know the worst things about you than a million good things you wish you were. 

Wow! I feel so much better now. Thanks!

~Branden~